Much to my family's disappointment, I am notorious for harboring a basket of unfinished projects. Up until now, I credited this disposition to fickleness and a short attention span. I quickly lost interest in whatever skill or task I learned to master and moved on seamlessly to another new endeavor. I once had a friend who even attributed this to my astrological assignment. A Gemini, as a pair of twins, quickly loses focus and requires varied stimulation.
Recently, however, with all this empty time at night without the hubster, I have been afforded ample opportunity at introspection. Through this, I have discovered my subconscious self-destruct button.
Apparently, I am a victim of my own self-sabotage.
Tucked away in the recesses of my brain, comfortable in its niche between aspirations and fears, therein lies that blazing red knob my mental finger automatically switches whenever I come close to what most people consider as "achievement."
There are the minor things like Thomas Kincade cross-stitch projects (lame, huh?), half-pieced jigsaw puzzles, summer employment opportunities in high school, incomplete scrapbooks, and oh so much more. But there are larger issues affected also.
I was fully aware that I was in contention for capturing the valedictorian title in high school. I was a whole grade point ahead of my closest competition. What did I do? Pushed the button! I refused to submit homewok for an advanced placement calculus class for a whole three months. Salutatorian, it is.
An exciting acceptance at the Stern Business School of Business' Honor Program at New York University held limitless potential. What did I do? Pushed the button! I passed it up to study in the Philippines.
Even that prestigious school (also in the Honors program) couldn't satisfy me. What did I do? Pushed the button! I let myself get knocked up during the first semester. Yep, I let it happen knowingly. Talk about screwed up.
Then here's this novel I am writing. I had an agent so uncharacteristically enthusiastic about the piece that she offered me an advance after reading the first three chapters. What did I do? Pushed the button! Turned away from her and my family's dreams of having a published author as kin.
And most recent, I am one class...ONE class that is so EASY...away from my Associate's Degree in accounting. What did I do? PUSHED THE DAMN BUTTON! Last night, at 11:59 was the deadline for my final project. I waited and waited and goofed off ALL day until about 9:45 P.M. at which time, I opened the syllabus to see what was required of me. Can you believe this?!?!?!? Needless to say, I was able to submit my work at 11:58:30. 30 seconds to spare. But only because of this bout of self-realization.
What can be the root of this? Am I afraid of success? Does the pressure associated with such achievements intimidate me? Or am I just plainly satisfied with being second best? Who knows? I haven't been able to mull this over enough. But then again, I may just lose interest right before I get my answer.
1 comments:
W! I never knew this about you. You give off such a different persona. You are always just put together and on top everything. I am only 1.5 credits away from my Bachelors degree in Nursing. That was 15 years ago. Yeah.
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