Fears

It's not the actual separation that gets me. Really. This is our fourth time being apart for more than four months. Routines can be made, schedules filled up to take time, and then there's that anticipation for the reunion. I miss him. I'm a touchy feely type person, and it is quite different not having my snuggle buddy around. BUT, it's all good for the most part.

It's that fear of losing him. It's bad enough during the every days. I'm a worrier when it comes to him and the kids. As a mother, I am cursed with "worst-case-scenario-thinking" in which I actually conjure images in my mind of anything and everything that can go wrong that could hurt or kill them. Usually, I don't torment myself with this type of paranoia when it concerns the hub when he's nearby.

It just doesn't help matters much when I am handed updated general and special powers of attorney along with his last will and testament before he leaves. It's the smart thing to do, of course. But that particular stack of documents make the danger SO real for me. Along with the dicussions of how we'll communicate throughout this time, and the vacation we'll go on when he gets back, we also have to talk about other morbid details should he not come home breathing. It's the most difficult thing accepting although it is just a slight possibility.

During the goodbye today, I tried to just memorize every little feature of his face and his smile and his wonderful laugh...fighting to keep that frightening thought off that it could be the last time I held him.

Okay, I got that out of my system! I HATE thinking that! AAAGGGHHHH! Now that's outta the way...Time to start drafting my task lists and thoroughly cleaning the house. Off to work!