Dear Mattress,

I'm just gonna get right down to it, it's over between us. I won't take the easy way out and say "it's not you, it's me," because frankly, it IS you.
I have dedicated half of my life for the last two years to you and I don't feel you acknowledge the weight of that commitment. When we first met, you had promised (in the form of your merchandise title) to uphold the sanctity of my sleep, and in the beginning, I was content with lovingly laying across your memory foam embrace. Yet, as time passed, I felt you change. Despite religious relationship upkeep by rotation, you started to draw away from my touch. Gone are the days when you would spring back up to come closer to me when I drew away. Now, you just lay there, seemingly sinking deeper away from me and your once solid promise.
Your gradual but constant withdrawal from our relationship has been nothing but painful. I now wake to an ache I have never felt before I met you, and continuing this masochistic situation will only lead me to seek out (physical) therapy.
I deserve better than your empty promises. I have found someone else who can give me what I need. His name is "Luxury Extra Firm." He is sturdy and tough and can handle a big commitment like me.
Goodbye.

Love, W